the Heck You’ve Become

 

When You Don’t Know Who the Heck You’ve Become




On the morning of Monday, November 8, 2010, I raked scattered leaves into a pile under the large maple tree in our front yard and placed my three-month-old son smack-dab in the center of it.As I opened my cell phone camera and gazed lovingly at this insanely beautiful creature I had a hand in creating, a school bus containing rambunctious elementary school kids zoomed by and totally interrupted my reverie.I felt the dreaded sensation of fear-induced adrenaline wash over my abdomen at the mere thought of sending my hopelessly defensive young son off to school. J.C., chill, I thought in an attempt to calm myself. He’s a baby.

 You have all the time in the world.In most cases, this sage advice is meant to serve as a soothing salve for all those showerless days, sleepless nights, and hair-trigger moments when a new mom fears that she just might be going insane.But here’s the thing no one warns those moms about: Not only do the days go by lightning-fast, but when all is said and done — if you’re like me — you’re going to look at yourself and wonder who you are and where to go next.Frankly, I never once entertained that this would be a probability.I mean, I know who I am — in theory: I’m the school chauffeur, the laundress, the emotional safe haven, the PTO volunteer and chaperone, the referee of pool noodle fights, and the beholder of pipe cleaners and googly eyes who…

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