HRT, depression, and self-loathing
There are days when all I want to do is stay in bed and think about nothing. Self-loathing creeps up, suicidal ideation chats away at the back on my mind, and nothing I do is ever any good. For me, being honest about my mental health has always been easy, it is the understanding and ability to come out the other side that is the hard part. Some of this is linked to my HRT, which makes it all the more frustrating when I sink into the depths of a depressive episode. Being trans is not the root of my depression and self-loathing, that is my personal biochemistry, but there is a need to be open with myself and others how being trans has impacted my mental health. Over the last couple of weeks I have been ill and injured, which along with an issue with my HRT has caused me to spiral at times. There are moments when self-loathing hits so intensely it is hard to breath, where all I can do is curl up and ride out the waves of emotion as they rip through me. Then the inability to care or feel anything sets in, which for me is the worst aspect of depression. It is hard to describe, other than to say it is like watching life as if behind a two-way mirror where it all happens at a distance.Often small things like diet, an hour less sleep or a hockey ball slamming into my chest are enough to trigger a weeks’ long rollercoaster of emotions and then dead feelings. Actually doing anything during this period takes a lot of effort, the mental cost always catching up to me when I am not around people. It is hard to engage with anything when everything seems flat and pointless, like all the things you really care about in the world are suddenly meaningless. It is actually caring about things that is the first sign of coming back to some semblance of normal.
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